Mr.Ninjas guide to happy fucking living

To the asshole who wrote to my wife...

2009-08-19T14:24:00.000-07:00

I have been reading your blog for several months now, and I'm so astranged by the fact that if you are unhappy and distrought of Mr. Nina, and all his non-physical, but verbal abusive commments, that tear you down at every turn. Why do you stay? Maybe I do not understand love, maybe I do not understand passion, but I do understand happiness, and you seem like such a brillant, beautiful person with so much to offer to someone outthere why do you stay? Why do you let Mr. Ninja, constantly berate you, and convince yourself that you are lucky to have him, when in all hoensty he doens't know what a beautiful, intelectual, aspiring person you are. If anything Mr. Ninja should be the thanksing the stars above that he has you?

I just read this blog, and I love to read it, because your humor is amazing, but why let Mr. Ninja, karate chop you one more time

The above post was sent to my wife...About me...

*deep breaths* let me address this post...

Ok first things first, when the dumbfuck says astranged, I'm sure they meant estranged, but even if that were the case it makes no fucking sense. I give Mrs.Ninja shit for her horrendous grammar all the time so I can only assume this was actually written by my wife. So for that she is going to catch another beating!

Pointing out the verbal but not physical abuse? Well excuse me but Mrs.Ninja just...fell down the stairs three times and will need a guest writer for her blog.

She stays cause, well, I am Mr.Ninja and you aren't. She stays because if she doesn't I have promised to chase her down and kill her, scattering her body parts across the dankest Florida swamp!

Why does she let me berate her? LET ME??? I spent years breaking down her self esteem, and now that I have it right where I want it, you dare question me? Do you have any idea how much effort it takes to completely tear another human being apart? The effort is immeasurable.

Why let Mr. Ninja Karate chop you one more time...I actually liked this line and am stating now and here in writing that I am stealing it, and from this day onward it shall be known as MY FUCKING LINE!

OK now that is taken care of and the proper satirical chord has been struck let me state the obvious. You, Sir, are a fucking moron. Mrs. Ninja and I, have the same kinds of problems a lot of married people do and we struggle through them because of our mutual love and respect for each other. and if that doesn't work she catches a beating!

I mean have you read the shit this crazy bitch writes? You said you had been reading it for months! She hits me in my fucking sleep! She is crazy! IT SAYS SO IN HER FUCKING BLOG TITLE! And you ask her why she puts up with me? How about why I put up with her? The smells that slip out from beneath her side of the blanket that would make a colony of homeless monkeys proud. The mood swings, on my god the mood swings! I mean she can go from zero to cunt faster than anyone I know, and I love her all the more for it. My wife is CRAZY, my shit is purely an act of self defense, and I stand by it.

So to all you Mrs. Ninja fan bois out there, anytime you think you can free my lovely, stable, princess from her hell on earth...Please do so, just remember, half the bills are yours, the youngest two are mine, and never....EVER touch the Xbox.

The Opry Mill Mall, Nasvhille

2009-08-16T21:52:00.000-07:00

Mrs.Ninja, Teenage Ninja, baby Ninja, and myself took a trip to Nashville Tennessee this weekend to visit the Opry mills Mall. Student loan check firmly in hand we entered the Opry Mills Mall happy and ready to spend money. Two days later we left shell shocked and disappointed, here are a few observations from our trip.

Old lady in the red shirt with the cell phone who hissed at my wife like a menstruating possum on crack: Please fuck off and die. In the future you might want to refrain from being a total cuntastic douche bag to my wife and progeny. I am large, mean, and full of bail money! When you are walking with your head down, yelling into your cell phone like a crazed baboon, and then almost demo the whole Ninja clan and have the audacity to shoot us a dirty look for getting in your way, it just pushes a button inside me that makes me want to fucking kill you. Have a great day, I hope you get cancer from your cell phone addiction and die old (you already are) and alone ( I am going to assume you have chased any friends/family away you grotesque thundercunt).

The Kiosk people: I love you! From your products touting the advantage of the dead sea, to your awesome assortment of hair products, you guys are the best! No, not really. You guys fucking suck. You guys hock your goods with a kind of aggression that would make a crack addicted hooker wither in embarrassment. And then when we buy your makeup for my wife and you stick a bunch of off brand shit in there AND short us on the quantity it just doesn't leave me with the warm fuzzy feeling I get after I have been fucked. Usually, I only fuck Mrs. Ninja and this leaves me feeling happy and in tune with nature and the world. Today after your fucking I can only assume the feeling you left me with was the same one many guys receive after waking up, rubbing the whiskey out of their eyes and contemplating the physics required to gnaw their fucking arm off rather than wake up the naked, sweaty hambeast in their bed. Even though your kiosk had a sign that said no refunds, you motherfuckers exchanged my product for money really quick when I started informing everyone who walked by that your kiosks were raising money for terrorism. How the fuck was I supposed to know you were Jews and not Arabs, all you Semites look the same to me. Thank you for the prompt refund, and the free product I received if I only promised to never come back!

The tatted up, thugged out black dude who knocked Baby Ninja down: Thanks for the apology, and for helping her up. It meant a lot to her and me, and I feel safe in saying that looks aside, you were one of the nicest, politest people we ran into on our sojourn to Nashville.

Little Asian massage guy: My wife said that I should take the crippling pain in my back as a compliment. Either you thought I was a big guy and could take the pain (my guess), or you thought you had so much fat to dig though on my back, that you were surprised that there was actually any muscle there (Mrs.Ninja's guess). Feeling your elbow dig into my back and actually pop out of my chest was a bad sign, speaker of very bad and limited English. Having to hold me down with all your weight as you jammed your elbow into my neck to stop me from squirming off your table and hiding in the corner sucking my thumb and crying for my mother, was a very distressing experience. Laughing every time you asked if I was ok because I could not make the pain stop long enough to stammer out anything intelligible was not your signal to grind harder into my back. having to pay 45.00 for your little yellow ass to take out all the ills the white man has ever done the yellow man over history hurt even more.

Fat black female security guard on the segway: Step away from the buffet you fat bitch. No matter how many times you see "Paul Blart, Mall Cop", it doesn't make you, your job, or the fucking segway cool! Bombing down the length of the mall while screaming into your shoulder mounted mic, while making little siren noises was about the funniest thing I saw all weekend...Until you almost ran over my fucking kid! Is there anything that important happening in the mall, that you are qualified to respond to? Was there a doughnut eating contest going on, or was Chris Brown beating the shit out of Rhianna in the mall?

Our trip to Nashville was a blast and I will post the rest of the Odyssey in the next day or so, right now my back hurts to much to stay in the upright position required to use my computer...

Panic Switch

2009-08-15T00:00:00.000-07:00

Anyone else think this drummer looks like Animal off of the Muppets?

PETA is Racist

2009-08-14T23:42:00.000-07:00

So Michael Vick was signed by the Eagles. This has been met with both criticism and approval and going with the same tenor of past blogs im going to give my opinion on the subject.

We are talking about dogs, right? I mean he was accused of bankrolling a dog fighting ring, and he was tried and he was convicted. He then served 19 months in federal prison, and subsequently went broke. Are you fucking kidding me? 19 fucking months for being involved in dog fighting? Dante Stallworth, who actually killed a human being, got less than a month in jail. Well maybe if Vick had killed a Latino in Florida he too would have received less than a fucking month in jail. This is so sad it almost boggles the damn mind. If any of you who read this blog think that he wasn't tried, and sentenced to such a harsh sentence because he was famous you are a fucking moron. I watch discovery channel and I see the damn people on there who run puppy mills, or fight dogs, or who hurt animals in some way and what happens to them? Nothing, they get a damn fine.

So I was watching the news and a bunch of fat, affluent, white women were protesting outside the Eagles facilities saying they would not buy tickets of support the team. I say fine, leave the hambeasts at home so we can sit around drinking beer and having mastubatory fantasies involving the cheerleaders or the superbowl. The man served his damn time, get off his fucking back and go back to making brownies for the PTA you fucking twats.

PETA... I mean what the fuck can I say about these fucking clowns. According to them we should not: Eat meat, wear fur, leather or any other animal products, use any of the drugs that were tested on animals, or develop new drugs by testing them on animals...These guys are fucking nuts and owuld have us prancing around the forest eating roots and drinking stream water, uh no thanks I want a big mac and diet coke, thanks.

Police stupidity!

2009-08-09T14:55:00.000-07:00

So I was reading the news and I found this story about a car wreck and I was pretty fucking disgusted. Why do the Police continue to make these mistakes time after time? People are dying for what? Running a fucking stop sign? I know that the police have a really hard job, and I know that the only time most people interact with the Police is when they have done something to break the law but what the fuck.

These guys allegedly were in a stolen neon *Who the fuck steals a neon* when they refused to pull over for the Police. Turns out they were all of the Latino persuasion *driving while Mexican anyone?* and they broke some minor traffic regulations to incur the wrath of the local Police.

Now is anyone else wondering why 7 fucking people died over this shit? Do you think if this was happening in Malibu or Brentwood that the population would be like, "hey no big deal, an entire family dead over a busted taillight"? I mean c'mon folks use your fucking head. If the chase looks like it is going to be dangerous, and you are chasing them for something less serious than, of I don't know, say jaywalking how about we don't kill a bunch of innocent people to chase down this bloodthirsty gang?

I am not blaming the Police per say, I am blaming society for making this kind of tragedy just another news article.

Memphis!

2009-08-08T22:02:00.000-07:00

To those of you who have been subjugated the rantings of my blog you know I have a 6 moth old Dachshund. What you didn't know, and until today neither did I, was that he has recently undergone some kind of Navy Seal special training. What it involves, apparently, is being a sneaky little fuck by silently egressing out of my room and down the stairs.

Now upon leaving the scrutiny of his moronic human masters it now behooves him to shit on the floor in a most diabolical place. Generally this is by the hallway or front door where the stinky little IED can take out the most civilians while remaining hidden from the view of the poop sweeper squad.

But even that isn't enough for my Little sapper, no, now the little fucker is HIDING IT! I mean look at the damn picture, he has evolved to where he can actually shit on my fucking floor, place it in an area with lots of "BAREFOOT" traffic, and then camouflage it for maximum effectiveness!

Fortunately for us I found this little shit bomb and defused it, but whats next? Sneaking outside to take the car for a spin? Stealing my fucking credit card to order himself a mail order bride, or some really good rib eyes?

Be afraid, be very afraid...

Mojitos!

2009-08-08T21:35:00.000-07:00

This is pretty great little song, if you have been wondering what that song off of the Bacardi run commercial is, well here ya go!

I need to harvest my crop before it goes bad...

2009-08-08T21:28:00.000-07:00

And with this one sentence my day was sent spinning out of control. Turns out my wife, Mrs. Ninja, has something of a green thumb. No really, I was as shocked as anyone, I had just always assumed her fear of slugs and all things insects would have kept her out of the garden.

Turns out the garden was not in my backyard, rather it was on face book. Now I have to admit I was fucking mystified. Of all the shit to waste your time doing online she picks virtual farming? I mean she could say, open a porn site. Maybe a sexting site, or play World of Warcraft. But virtual farming? What the fuck.

Whats next? Dinner is ready hun, well I mean virtual dinner. Or maybe we can all start having virtual sex. I like the internet, but seriously folks lets all take a step back and away from the keyboard.

The Goods!

2009-08-08T21:01:00.000-07:00

Am I the only one who thinks this might be great?

The police are your friends!

2009-08-08T00:32:00.000-07:00

So I am getting ready for University classes to begin again, the summer was nice but a bit long. As I was looking over my schedule I took stock of my life and where I now find myself. Married, 3 children, Canadian, living in the wonderful state of Kentucky and a weird thought struck me from out of nowhere. I take classes with men and women who will one day be Police officers, and this thought scares the shit out of me.

I am trying to get my degree in Criminal Justice with the hopes of either attaining my Doctorate or going to Law School. As such I find myself thinking about some of the people I have been blessed to be in class with.

The Princess: This is a southern belle, probably about 95 pounds about 4-10 and she just knows that god called her to be a police officer. She will champion the cause of... She will help to right the wrongs of... She will end up getting married and quitting the force when she realizes that maybe god wants her to squeeze out babies instead.

The Good Ole' Boy: Believe it or not this guy will actually make a good cop. He might be a redneck but he isn't a racist and he takes his job seriously. He wants to be a cop to stand for something, not for any kind of power trip or nefarious reasons. He might look like his dumber cousin the Redneck, but shouldn't be confused with him.

The Redneck: This guy wants to be a cop for a couple of reasons. Firstly he wants to have the power to beat the shit out of anyone who isn't like him, and by like him I mean white and christian. Blacks guys beware he can't wait to violate your civil rights, churchgoing gay white guys? That's a beating. Loud obnoxious woman who won't acquiesce to his power? That's a beating. A person of Latino heritage? That's a beating. Basically he is a fucking moron who should have been drowned at birth but it seems like this asshole always gets ahead.

The Ex-Military guy: This guy is absolutely terrifying. He is so fucking gung ho it's not even funny. The PTSD he got over in Iraq should be a nice little ancillary benefit when he pulls over his first Arab. With this guy there is black and there is white, there are no shades of gray. This guy tends to believe he can solve any problem with firepower...Lots and lots of firepower. He was booted out of the military for his little soiree with prisoners at Abu Ghraib but that didn't stop the great state of Alabama from hiring his crazy ass.

So next time the lights pop out from behind you remember, stay calm and just hope you got pulled over by the princess or the Good Ole' Boy, the other two guys? That's a beating.

Code Pink

2009-08-07T22:13:00.000-07:00

I have to be honest here guys, I am at a kind of loss for words. Why do we have to listen to this shit, it's clearly hate speech. I don't want to live in a fascist society anymore than the next guy but god damn these women are as dangerous as they are stupid. I will include a link here I think you guys will all find really funny, and might even make you question the validity of allowing these thunder cunts the opportunity to speak.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

Marines in Berkeley

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show
Full Episodes

Political Humor

Spinal Tap Performance

Someone explain to me how these morons are even allowed the opportunity to use the free speech that people that they despise, died and killed to attain? How do these fucking retards think that we got the ability to have free speech, and freedom of the press? Some where, some time, some poor bastard got killed by another poor bastard and these rights were born. I really and truly think that these ladies need to be either lined up against a wall and shot or just shipped out to whatever country they think has achieved the Utopia they want.

Rock The Vote

2009-08-07T21:59:00.000-07:00

Well as everyone knows, I'm sure, the guy above me is Ashton Kutcher. And the reason everyone knows who this dumbass is, is not because he is a particularly gifted actor. No, the reason we know this guy is because aside from Sean "Diddy" Combs, he is the single greatest example of self promotion on the face of the earth.

This Pretentious assbag was all about telling us to vote, oh yeah ROCK THE VOTE BABY! Um excuse me Mr. Kutcher but how about someone with a little more of a claim to fame than being Mr. Demi Moore help the nation out? I mean seriously Bro, Nikon commercials and fucking Demi are 2 pretty awesome achievments but take a step back and breathe. You aren't qualified to lead a fucking boy scout troop let alone a national political movement. So tell you what sport, why don't you, Tim Robbins, and Sean Penn worry more about making non-shitty movies and less about trying to be this nations moral compass.

Waiter Rant?

2009-08-07T17:41:00.000-07:00

So after having read so many blogs that are focused on the plight of the service industry I have decided to take a different tack and share some of "The other sides stories" with you.

If I'm in deep conversation with my wife/significant other stop coming by my fucking table every 2 minutes to ask if I need a hand ordering or understanding the damn menu. I know that you, with your failed B.A in early modernistic English symbolism might need a hand deciphering the Queen's English. I, on the other hand, am fine you fucking muppet.

If I order the grilled chicken breast with sauteed mushrooms and onions, a side order of brown gravy, and Cajun fries it would be great if I got them. When you get to my table minus the goddamn fries and then act surprised when I ask for the other half of my fucking meal, I want to stab you in the face with a spoon.

If I ordered a diet coke, I really.....REALLY do not need some random fucking waitress telling me, "Hun you're a husky guy but you don't need diet soda". I have diabetes you fucking cow, I NEED the diet coke or I will go into a sugar induced coma and die in this shitty restaurant!

If we order a nice meal, and it comes from the chef wrong, please do not get offended when I complain and mutter under your breath for the remainder of the meal. I am assuming you didn't cook it, so it wasn't really a shot at you, but if you keep up the muttering, I'm going to beat the shit out of you.

Do not, I repeat, do not think it is ok TO FUCKING SIT WITH US. I don't know you, and the last thing I want is some fucking stranger thinking it's cool to just drop down next to me or my wife and start rambling on about your day. We don't care, at all.

I understand that everyone is new at a job some time or the other and allowances will be made when appropriate. Seeing you working at the same spot for 5 years doesn't count as being new....Retard.

6 Steps to an Epic Blog!

2009-08-07T14:04:00.001-07:00

Ok, so for those of you who don't know my wife is like a super blogger, she has had tonnes of people follow her and so I have like the best sounding board in the world for a successful blog. She writes all this sappy sentimental shit and its great! So today I was complaining to her about why my site gets such few hits, and I have no followers, and no one is leaving comments... So in no particular order I will list my complaints and her suggestions.

1) Your writing is only going to appeal to certain types of readers, the other 99% will be grossly offended.
Well I'm fucked. Judging by the blogs I have seen thus far I am competing with the following: Religious Bloggers, who will hate my witty repartee on general principles all the while secretly wishing they had the balls to say what they really wanted to. Sappy Poet/Fiction writers, who are wrapped up way to tight to enjoy my type of blogging since I'm not talking about woodland fairies running around, or how bad I want to cut myself. Really boring travel/Family Blogs, You assholes are the worst! Holding me hostage on blog rolls raping my mind with your tedious boring shit, all the while I'm counting down the seconds until I can escape your shitty blog FINALLY I AM FREE!!!! NNOOOOOOOO!!!!! Obscure french recipe blog!

2) Start off slow, allow word of mouth to build your blog up.
I hate slow. Slow sucks. I drive fast, I fuck fast, I eat fast! I am an instant gratification kind of guy!!!! Blog readers LOVE ME!!!! I need validation from a group of complete and utter strangers!

3) There are some simple steps to take....
I'm that guy, and you all know one, that builds his kids toys at Christmas 3 times because I DON'T FOLLOW SIMPLE STEPS! How can I change 34 years of evolutionary mechanics just to make people like my blog?

4) You have to stop writing in Italics you fucking monkey! My wife pointed out that people who read blogs hate people who write in all Italics, so I have stopped writing in Italics. Well all but this part of the blog because I hate criticism, no matter how constructive!

5) You have to start each post with a funny title, a funny first line, and end it with a bang! A funny last line!
Are you fucking serious? How much pressure can you put the kid under? Every title has to be funny? EVERY FUCKING TITLE? I don't think I could do this, even by accident. Ok maybe I can make the first line remotely funny. End it with a bang? How about I end it with something mildly amusing?

6) Your pictures have to do more than whore out the hottest searches of the day on Yahoo in hopes of pulling in random hits from people wanting to see said images.
Great, there goes the majority of my fucking hits!

man this blogging shit is hard! Getting married wasn't this hard, in point of fact my wife said one of her biggest turn ons was that I was such a huge asshole. Now I can't be? I don't know any recipes for camel ribs and Moroccan rice pudding. I don't know how to write a story about the woodlawn fairies running around frolicking all day long. I don't know how to write any sappy, sad shit about how my life sucks. My life doesn't suck, I have a wife I adore, a daughter I would murder you for, 2 step daughters I tolerate, and a tiny dog that shits all over my house. My life is complete, and if its not complete its at least exciting.

So to the 99% of you out there who I am sure I have offended I wish to say this: If you have actually read down to here, all the while being offended fuck off and go read about some pretentious assholes blog about his road trip to Alaska in his Eco-friendly bio-diesel using Volkswagen.

To the 1%, link me your blogs, I am sooooo bored!

More pet peeves...

2009-08-07T12:42:00.001-07:00

Pretentious asshats who post blogs full of shitty poetry and fiction work...

I am really not sure what is worse, the fact that you think the sappy drivel that would make a writer from hallmark vomit is worth posting for everyone to see, or the poor lonely souls who read your crap and tell you how good it is. Let me help you out here, ready? You aren't Walt Whitman. You aren't the bestest newest undiscovered thing. You are undiscovered for a reason. YOU SUCK. You sucked in middle school when you first started having this ridiculous fantasy about being a writer doodling on all your notebooks and textbooks. Hey asshole, I got that textbook after you and I can tell you the last thing I wanted to read about were the fucking adventures of your cat as he navigated whatever fucked up fantasy world you spewed forth in an effort to save the elf princess. You sucked in high school when the failed writer with a teaching degree told you that your writing was superb! He is a fucking teacher, if he could write his shit would be on Oprah's book of the month club, not knocking around in some backwater school trying to help convince other losers they can write. I can almost stomach these retards when they are compared to the next group. WANNABEE POETS! Oh my fucking god, please save me from all these wounded and tortured souls who feel the need to share every fucking thing with us. Circumnavigating these annoying pissants is becoming more and more difficult, they have completely inundated the blog rolls. Let me make it easier for you, for every Waiter Rant out there, there are T-H-O-U-S-A-N-D-S of you miserable, self indulgent, whackjobs who think that your blog is important. IT ISN'T!

Palestinian Blogging Retards...

I mean I don't even know where I can start with this fucking site. They blame Jews for everything. They claim that Israel is operating an illegal body snatching ring in Palestine, and people believe this shit. I should actually point out that by people I am of course refering to a bunch of idealogical morons who believe that Allah wants you to blow yourself up, oh as long as you can take as many infidels with you as possible. How they can take the tenants and Pillars of Islam, twist it from a really great religion into somehting so vile and hateful is beyond me. I just wish that everyone could read the Qu'ran before making a judgment based on these fucking idiots. Ugh!

Broken Drive Through Speakers...

Dude seriously, if I wanted to order lunch from a fucking cylon I would. How can you not be aware that your speaker sounds as appealing as 2 cats fucking? It's a joke right, you guys dump water on it on purpose just to fuck with those of us who are, for a very brief moment in time, stuck listening to you. You fucking asshats that break the machines probably all have fiction and poetry blogs don't you? Oh I get it now you sneaky fuckers!

Yankees Fans...

You guys are the worst. You are loud and obnoxious and very often fat and Italian. Now I like fat greasy Italians, as long as you're stuck in the kitchen making my fucking spaghetti! I hate you all with your thick New York accents, Your chest thumping self congratulatory mannerisms, your whole "Look at me Ma I'm a Yankees FAN". My biggest regret about 9/11 is that the planes didn't land on the fucking Yankees. Oh well if it had been Red Sox Arabs flying those planes the twin towers would still be up.

Neutered...

2009-08-06T19:47:00.001-07:00

Let me tell all of you blogaholics out there a bit about myself. I grew up in Canada around bikers, beer, long hair and loud music. I had dogs growing up, big, mean dogs, Dobermans, Bull Mastiffs, real dogs, man sized dogs. I used to laugh at all the people with their tiny little fashionable pocket dogs. I would never, EVER, be caught dead with such a pathetic hound.

This is Memphis, the meanest, gnarliest, bad assed dog around...For a 6 month old 10 pound Dachshund. The problem is the little bastard doesn't know he is a tiny dog, he acts like white fang pulling me across the parking lot on his bright pink leash (the only color I could find for his size). He growls and barks at other animals, or he did until the kitten from 2 doors down kicked his ass. He just absolutley loves to chew on things, Mrs.Ninjas blackberry, my glasses... What kind of retarded missing link animal chews up a pair of glasses. I mean breaks the lenses, tears the arms up, and basically eats them. Oh and he loves paper, as long as the paper is important, like say a work check, or insurance documents, oh and he especially loves anything that has to do with my school. I am not even going to get into the nasty stinks that come out of the little fucker because I am not entirley convinced it's not Mrs. Ninja making those god awful smells.

As you can see things change. I don't drink, my wife won't let me have a motorcycle, and loud music makes my head hurt. Man has shit changed! When did it become ok for me to walk this little bastard at 2:30 in the morning saying "come on little man take a shit for daddy"?

Bill O'reilly is a douchebag

2009-08-06T14:09:00.001-07:00

So anyone that is familiar with the wonderful show on Fox TV "The O'Reilly Factor" has seen my man Bill in full swing on a gambit of issues. I think the picture here does him justice...Oh wait, that's Joseph Goebbels.

We all know good ole Joseph from such hits as, "The no spin zone, Auschwitz edition", "Kristallnacht, the Night of Broken Glass". now I'm not comparing O'Reilly to Goebbels because, well Goebbels at least took a stand whereas O'Reilly is a political shill, a whore for the right wing. I mean does anyone, right left or center, actually think this douche believes a thing he is saying? How he manages to keep a straight face while spewing forth his particular brand of bog Irish blarney is beyond the depth of normal human understanding.

The following website, http://www.sweetjesusihatebilloreilly.com, is a must read for any person with even a modicum of frontal lobe activity. Bill O'Reilly is such a problem because of the danger he represents. He has attacked, in no particular order, Immigrants, Gays and Lesbians, Social Medicine, Social Benefits, Unions, Blacks, Women, Latinos, the list just goes on and on. This political shill reads anything his "Handlers" drop in front of his slack jawed face with the same kind of venom his boy Goebbels used. I can only hope he meets the same end.

Politicially Correct is the suck!

2009-08-06T12:05:00.000-07:00

Sotomayor...

So if any of you are following the news you know that the US has just confirmed it's first Hispanic justice. This is long overdue in my opinion but why on earth they picked this dipshit is beyond me. I mean how do these fucking morons get elected by us year after year? We never would have confirmed a white Justice who uttered the same drivel that came out of this tarts mouth. We never would have confirmed a black Justice with her kind of "COLORFUL" background. Clarence Thomas got roasted over the coals, this chick was barely a blip on the radar. Have we really become so PC as a country that we can't block her ascension to the Supreme Court because she is a minority woman who is clearly biased? Meh oh fucking well, anyways the decision has been made and there isn't anything that can be done about it now.

Vince Young claims he will enter Hall of fame...

So this is a tasty little nugget fresh off the news wires, Vince Young says he will not only be the first Black quarter back since Doug Williams to win a Superbowl, but he will also be a Hall of Fame inductee. Wow. This is the same guy that single handedly tried to torpedoe the titans season, said he was tired of football and all the stress and contemplating retirement, and was put under observation for being a total fucking whack job. I mean if nothing else proves what a crazy delusional fuck this guy is, this should be the smoking gun. A superbowl? He doesn't even start for his team. The hall of fame? What the fuck, he isn't the third best quarterback on the Tennessee FUCKING Titans! Anyways Vince good luck with that Hall of Fame/Superbowl thing, you fucking twit you get my Donkey of the Week award!

My progeny

2009-08-05T22:29:00.000-07:00

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Ok so you know how parents get on here and tell you all about their little angels and how they are the best of them and all that other sentimental shit? I am not going to do that, instead I'm going to tell the truth. I have 3 daughters, we will call them Sinderella, evil step sister number 1, and not so evil yet smarter step sister number 2.

Let us start with Sinderella, she is a definite chip off the old block. She is mean and has a very nasty temper, she is also 5. When she was 4 she wanted to watch an episode of Dora but not so evil yet smarter step sister number 2 was watching the T.V and refused to acquiesce, so Sinderella did the only thing she could, she went to the hallway closet grabbed a hockey stick, walked into the living room and two handed not so evil yet smarter step sister number 2 in the face. When not so evil yet smarter step sister number 2 fell to the ground screaming in pain Sinderella walked back to the closet and put the hockey stick away, walked back into the living room and picked up the remote. I was standing there dumbfounded and knowing I had to say "something" I looked at her and said, "What do you have to say for yourself" she looked at not so evil yet smarter step sister number 2 writhing on the ground in pain and said "thank you", changed the channel and settled into her seat to watch Dora.

Now since I have already introduced you to not so evil yet smarter step sister number 2 let me tell you about her. This kid was something special when she was younger, refusing to remain a slave to her pacifier and bottle she tossed them into the garbage at the ripe old age 11 months. She has what is commonly referred to as staying power, or chutzpah. She gets straight A's, if she doesn't score as high as all the other little type A nerds in her grade she goes nuts forcing Mrs. Ninja to call her Teachers begging them for a retest. While I applaud this attention to detail she is now getting a bit older and her powers seem to be shifting from schoolwork and being good to "How can I piss the old man off". For example this little Einstein who scores in the top 99% on state testing just can't seem to grasp the simple fucking concept of cleaning the dishes. I shit you not there will be everything from grease, to mashed potatoes on every fucking dish we own. Finally at whits end I watched her do the dishes this afternoon and wow was it great! Not so evil yet smarter step sister number 2 takes the dirty dishes and piles them up in a design that would have made an architect proud but that scared the shit out of me. She then poured in a healthy dose of dish soap into the most tepid water possible, she then proceeded to pick up each dish and while holding it in between two fingers DIPPED it in the fucking water and then put it on the drying towel. I mean how the fuck can a kid who gets such killer grades in school, be such a total dumbass when it comes to basic fucking life skills! I blame puberty, being 13, and the American educational system!

Evil step sister number 1 is truly an enigma, she is not happy unless she has unleashed misery and discontent upon the entire kingdom! This is the kid who will hit her baby sister in front of you, and with more sincerity than is seen by every accumulated politician on the planet tell you she didn't do that. This child isn't a 13 year old girl, she is Yoko fucking Ono unleashed on my family. I blame both evil step sisters on Mrs. Ninja and the hillbilly she was married to before she imported ME, the Canadian, to save her!

The first blog!

2009-08-05T21:21:00.000-07:00

First off let me take a few moments to tell you a little about myself and my blog. I don't think blogs are "awesome", or "cool" or "Oh so important", to be honest I just needed something to take up some of the time my World of War craft addiction used to consume. I watched my wife start up her blog and figured how hard can it be, shit she's from Kentucky! Now she has viewers in the hundreds of thousands and I saw why, she stole all my shit! Every time I said something funny (she would call it cruel and run off crying) she posted it, so I figured that all of you people with as much of a life as I possess needed my side of things. I think in all fairness before all of you Internet twits start flocking to my blog and hailing it as the second coming of whatever you losers thought the first coming was I should share my pet peeves with you, so here they are!

-Soldiers who join the military for college...

I mean are you guys fucking serious? You sound like the male version of "Girls who strip to pay for college". If you, as an adult who is sentient enough to pass the ASVAB *dramatic rolling of the eyes since a fucking head of lettuce could pass the ASVAB* join the military, an organization that is designed to use big fucking guns to kill people to get free college, you don't get to be surprised when they ship your ass off to some third world shithole to secure oil rights for whichever skull and bones member is currently piloting this happy little country!

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Hambeasts, both male and female...

Now before all you fatties out there get all upset and boycott my blog on the way to whatever buffet your currently grazing on let me clarify: You know who you are, that really huge fat chick at the club with her ankles actually spilling out of her fuck me pumps screaming about how hot she is. The really fat guy that has to wrap his fatness around the steering wheel in order to drive, I mean how the hell does the airbag work and if by chance you do crash how the hell does some poor fireman get your fat ass out? Hambeasts who blame their immense proportions on a pituitary gland problem while shovelling a 20 piece bucket of KFC into your mouth. The fatty who steals the Walmart motorized cart while the crippled old person is forced to walk, or be pushed around in a cart, I mean what the fuck. Oh and any fat Asians as a matter of principle. The rest of you kinda fat people, I almost hate you, stop fucking eating!

Dave and Buster commercials...

I mean seriously does anyone really think about this commercial? Little fucking leprechaun fun midgets? You mean to tell me that someone went to college, got a job in an advertising firm and that's the best they could come up with? /Palm Face

-The Trix Rabbit...

How has this dumb fucking Rabbit not figured out by now that the only way he is getting his god damn Trix is by killing those annoying fucking brats? I mean I want to see the commercial where the kids come to steal the Trix, and the Rabbit just goes nucking futs on them! That would be a commercial that would make me buy your shitty cereal!

I have a lot more pet peeves but I really don't feel like sharing them right now so fuck off, oh and please come again!